Its been a while since I’ve done of these…I was thinking when I finally did write another journal piece I’d be writing about happy things. You know, new job, some trip I’d taken, some breakthrough that I’d recently gotten. In a way, I suppose this post will kind of be about a breakthrough of sorts. I say of sorts because from where I’m sitting I don’t feel like I’ve made a ton of progress and perhaps someday in the future I’ll read this and smile because “little did I know” you know?
I’ve been job hunting off and on for almost three years. I’ve found promising positons that I know I would be an excellent fit for only to get a rejection letter, informed of a hiring freeze, or my personal favorite, I’d hear nothing at all. After a while you get tired of the bad news or no news at all so you stop looking. You kind of accept what is and do something else. During my interim from the job hunt I started this blog. I’d been talking about it for so long that when I actually started this blog I doubted whether it would be successful. Eventually, blogging became my primary outlet. When I felt way too much or when I wasn’t feeling anything at all, I would come here.
Sometimes, I would sit at the keyboard. My fingers poised, ready to write and I just couldn’t. There was too much going through my head or I worried that my blog would simply become a place where people would stop by because they knew they’ find a depressing anecdote. I suppose I’ve also lived my life that way as well. I tend to keep my sadness to myself. Life is hard for everybody and I like to make things a little easier for others. I want to hear what’s going on with them in hopes that I can somehow ease their burden, if only for a little while. In so doing, I also help myself because I know that I’ve helped someone else and taken my mind off of my own burdens.
I’m blessed to still be able to live with my parents. They’ve been gracious and for the most part considerate. They’ve also tried in various ways to help me get a job which for me in kind of mixed bag. Do I want all the help I can get? Absolutely. At the same time I feel helpless. Like a kid lost in the grocery store depends on the kind stranger to lead them back to their parent.
At 25, I imagined myself in a totally different place and sometimes its absolutely galling to know that I’m not there. I can’t tell you how hard it’s getting to hear people complain about their jobs or say they wish they were making more money, even though they can pay their bills and then some. It grates my nerves knowing that I have to depend on my parents to pay mine. Its like their paying twice. They helped me pay for school every semester. Now they get to help me pay for the loans that were supposed to paid for with my job that said degree helped me land.
For the most part I’m not sad or melancholy about this incredibly big gap. Its allowed me the freedom to work on a lot of side projects, apply to law school, and a bunch of other things. Its just that on days like today, when I rush and make a two hour long trek, for a job fair that was hiring on the spot, only to find out it was filled…on days like this its hard not to feel annoyed and yea, a little bitter. Harder still when the people you want to talk to about it can be so unaware. I suppose I’m using this post to wallow in self pity a bit.
Sometimes, when your waiting for something it can be hard when it seems like your chance has possibly come. Yesterday, I was sitting on my couch watching Outlander praying for an opportunity and I thought this job fair could be it. I’m pretty sure I’ve lost track of all the times something like this has happened to me. It had gotten to the point where I would stop telling people when I would apply for things so I wouldn’t have to tell them the results. Today, my parents, my boyfriend, and my grandpa, knew about my mad dash to the job fair. My father kept conversation really light in the car which I appreciate. I’m sure my disappointment showed and his light, often humorous, stories made the car ride home easier.
I suppose I just look forward to a time when this particular issue, won’t be an issue anymore. I suppose I wish I was finally in that place, like everyone else in my circle, where I could complain about my job too.
There’s a poem on this blog called, Wishing Away the Days. Written in third person, it was a reminder to myself to stop wishing away this God-given break, this layover as it were. From time to time, I’ll go back and reread that poem as a way to remind myself not to will away this time. On days like this, I suppose I could use that reminder. Because today if feels like I’m standing in my Dad’s house, using his things, living in a house that’s not my own, wishing that I had something I could show to the world as a validation for all this time. Because I feel I’m just twiddling my thumbs while my peers are building things for themselves. I know I might be missing the forest for the trees right now, but in all honesty, it’s how I’m feeling at the moment.