I messed up. It’s hard to say. Much harder I suppose to realize but that’s what happened. Over the last six months I’ve basically just fallen off. I cut off my friends, left most of my social media (including this most beloved blog), I basically put myself in a survival mode because I didn’t get into law school.
Those of you who have followed my blog for a while know that law school has been my goal for a long time. All the prep work that goes into, all the prayer, the stress, the studying(!!!), to not get it…it was harder than I can even find the words to express. It took a massive toll on me but it didn’t hit me all at once. It was like a “wave effect”, one wave after another of just sadness and defeat. I internalized a lot of it. I thought I had failed. I didn’t study hard enough, I wasn’t focused enough, I blamed myself for all of it. My mother reminded my often that my grades probably weren’t high enough or that my scores weren’t good enough. It was just a hard time.
After finding out in August that I didn’t get into law school I wondered, “what’s next?” “Where do you go from here?” Well, Marie wanted to be anywhere but home. So that became my focus. My prayer life and world revolved around that one central theme: gotta get a job and move out. Between my desire to get said job/move and the pain of not getting into law school, my judgment grew cloudy. My spiritual compass grew foggy. I wasn’t seeing as clearly as I needed to but I couldn’t see it.
My boyfriend at the time was growing closer in his walk with God and he started suggesting going to church more, fasting, disciplines that would’ve helped me see more clearly but my signals were crossed. The usual stirrings I would feel or get that help me make decisions wasn’t working as they should’ve so as a result I dismissed his suggestions. I knew what I knew, or so I thought. At this point, we hadn’t seen each other in over a year. He held it down though, much to his credit, I never wondered about his fidelity or anything like that. I just wondered how long he could go without seeing me.
This coupled with my desire to live on my own made me double down even harder on the idea of getting a job and moving out. I just wanted my own space. I wanted my life to be different, better. As I said, my prayer life focused on this. In college I had always asked God to show if there was anything that were blocking my vision, preventing me from seeing things clearly. I had stopped praying that prayer a while ago. I’d forgotten that my vision could go askew.
The love of my life and I broke up a week and half ago. In the time since then, I of course started asking the questions that needed to be asked. Mainly I focused on the question of “am I missing something?” It was a question I hadn’t been asking enough and I quickly received an answer; “Yes”. That yes hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d cut myself off from friends, hobbies, delayed seeing my boyfriend all because I was focused on the wrong thing which in turn led to my signals getting confused and muddled. I saw everything through the lenses of leaving home and made one of biggest, most painful, blunders of my life. The saddest part is, had my ex not had the courage to make the hard choice, I’d still be in the dark.
Once, I realized my huge mistake I had to start the apology circuit. Some apologies were easier than others. It’s hard. All of this is so incredibly hard. Knowing how deeply I wounded those I love. Knowing that I may have seriously hurt relationships. Knowing that I’ve reminded close friends of former relationships were they were “ghosted”. Knowing that my ex and I may never be a couple again. It’s been a hard lesson to learn, a bitter pill to swallow. I made no excuses to them and I’ll make none to you, dear reader.
In life, sometimes the hard times make us shut down. I always say, “grief makes us self centered”. When you’re sad and hurting you tend to turn inward as opposed to outward. Even more so with such a crushing blow like the one I’d received. I wish I had handled things differently. I wish I had listened to boyfriend and fasted. I have so many regrets about the last six months. But most, if not all, center on the pain I caused those I love. They didn’t know what was going on with me. They didn’t know how I was handling any of it. I was fighting this struggle alone…and it was what I chose.
I don’t make mistakes often and when I do, they always seem to be these huge errors in judgment. I think about all the stress I put my loved ones through, the pain I caused myself, and I honestly just feel ashamed. Why didn’t I ask God if I was indeed walking in the right way? Why? The last few days have been filled with questioning and wondering if I’ll ever be able to make things right with certain relationships. Sometimes what’s done cannot be undone. I made my life and the lives of people I love harder than it had to be all because I didn’t check to make sure my internal compass was working like it should. I didn’t think to check in, I didn’t question whether the emotional turmoil I was going through could throw things off balance. I assumed I was good. I was wrong. My error has cost me dearly.
Whether you believe in God or not, I hope my brief summation serves as a lesson for not just myself but to you as well. In hard times, please don’t shut others out and go it alone. Please don’t assume that you’ve got it all handled. Don’t think that “you’re good” just because you seem to be functioning “ok”. “Ok” is a relative term when it comes to emotions. It can fluctuate. There were times when I thought I was “ok” but I wasn’t. I wasn’t viewing my life clearly and it’s a mistake I hope to never make again.
We’re human. We make mistakes. This one, while a biggie, was just that, a mistake. One, I’m working hard on correcting. I’m slowing making the rounds and asking my friends, family, mentors, and hopefully my ex, to forgive me. I’m also working on forgiving myself. I tend to be rather hard on myself and I’m working hard on re-framing how I view this life lesson. Instead of this being something I hang my head in shame about, I want this to be a reminder to always stay centered. To always examine my motives and motivations. I want it to serve as another reminder to always check-in. It’s been a hard lesson to learn but prayerfully I’ll be mindful of making sure the way in clear of emotional baggage. Hopefully I’ll be careful of mixed signals.