Its been two weeks since we broke up but it feels like the first day. It feels like Day 1 in breakup recovery for me. Everything is tear inducing which is wild for me because I’m usually not a big on crying. Six years. We were together in total for six years…that’s a long time to love someone. Even longer for someone who didn’t think they’d ever fall in love.
My first relationship ended horribly and after that I was like, “Nope! This is not for me.” I dated in college. I had a boyfriend before my ex. That relationship was rough but there no tears when we parted. Instead I felt a great sense of relief and little sadness. You get used to talking someone on that level. Its hard knowing that that’s over.
What I’m feeling now is…just weird and very inconvenient.lol I get weepy over the slightest things. I was finishing some paperwork earlier for a job and they were playing soft Pop hits. Every other song made me want to cry. From Adele to Sam Smith, I swear I almost broke down at least five times. This is what I wanted to avoid. This feeling of loss and drifting…I love this man. We were supposed to get married. We had talked about what we wanted, where we wanted to live, all that jazz…and now. Now, its over. Just like that. All those dreams are just that, dreams.
I wrote a piece a couple years ago about a woman receiving a wedding invitation from her ex and the pain she felt. It hit me on my way home, that really could happen. One day he really could hit me, ask for my address, and send me a invitation to his wedding. The idea alone had me tearing up in the car.
I love, love. Watching people fall in love, be in love, its beautiful to me. But the aftermath, the dissolution of it…I can’t handle this part. To be this open with one person, to share this much, to build this much, and then walk from it…I can’t handle it. Yes, I will walk away rich in experience, self knowledge, and a deeper understanding of what it means to love selflessly. But this man really was my best friend and we’ll never that again. We can never be that way again. Its a loss too keenly felt for me and I really don’t want to go through this again.
The irony is, that even as I write this I know it’s not true. These are the feelings and emotions of the moment. In a few months, a year, a couple years from now, I could feel totally different. I’ll view these moments in time differently. Time can heal wounds and lend clarity if you’re open to it. It is possible, in time, I may see why things didn’t work out between he and I. For now, I think I’ll just avoid the radio, focus on landing a job I really want, and explosions. Action flicks make everything better. ❤